Ladies and Gentlemen

“Ladies and gentlemen”, said Colombo, “I have here a common household egg which I shall now ask the ushers to pass among you so you may see for yourself that there are no wires or strings attached. While this is being done, ladies and gentlemen, I wish that three of you would step up on the stage. Any three—don’t be bashful girls— I won’t hurt you. Won’t that couple over there kindly oblige me— that married couple—no, folks, I guess they aren’t married either— they look too happy.”

Very painful it was to Colombo to hear these horrible jokes coming from his mouth, but Thyrston had quoted the authority of all successful sorcerers and not for anything would Colombo have had his trick a failure.

“Now ladies and gentlemen”, said Colombo, “I am going to ask this lady and these two gentlemen if they will be so good as to see if they can take this little egg and make it stand on end without any support.”

And very droll it was to see the unsuccessful attempts which the three made. Finally Colombo said:

“Now ladies and gentlemen, I want you to watch me closely. I put the silk hat on my head—thus. And I take the egg in my right hand—thus. Now, if this young lady will be kind enough to hold my left hand—I hope that her best fellow doesn’t mind letting such a pretty girl hold my hand—it’s lucky my wife can’t see me, though—a friend said to me the other day, ’Who was that lady I seen you with?’ and I said, ’That wasn’t no lady, that was my wife’. Now ladies and gentlemen I take this egg, and in order to make it stand upright I tap one end gently— thus against the table until that end is flattened— and then, presto—the egg stands upright. Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you one and all for your kind attention.”

Thus it was that Colombo impressed King Ferdinand and his court with his profound knowledge of geography. Next the tale tells how there came to Colombo on Michaelmas Eve one sent by Queen Isabel, And when Colombo had buckled on his sword Impavide he followed the messenger through winding corridors and came at last to the chamber of the Queen. And as he knelt before her it seemed to Colombo that never before had he seen such unforgettable beauty as shone in the eyes of Queen Isabel. Yes, truly, this was the loveliest girl that Colombo had ever imagined.

“Now do you rise”, said she, “and you and I shall have a nice chat alone here together, and you can tell me all about geography of which I am oh, frightfully ignorant. In truth”, said she, “I have tried to get Ferdinand to instruct me, but I fear”, said Queen Isabel, “that Ferdinand does not understand me.”

So Colombo instructed Queen Isabel in the fundamentals of geography. And after a while he spoke.

“Now many people”, said Colombo, “believe that the earth is flat, but”, said Colombo, “such is not at all the case.”

And after an interval Colombo said, “There, my dear, do you not see how ridiculous it is to suppose that the earth is anything but round?”

“Why surely, sire”, said Queen Isabel, “you make it appear very round. And I wonder that I had not thought of that before. And I think”, said Queen Isabel, “that geography is a most fascinating subject and oh, messire Colombo”, said the Queen, “you must come and instruct me often.”

Thus it was that Colombo became Royal Geographer. And the tale tells how after a while various whisperings came to King Ferdinand of his queen’s curious enthusiasm for study.

“Now about this geography”, said King Ferdinand one evening to the Queen, “I am, my dear, indeed glad to see you take an interest in such an important study and I have arranged”, said the King, “to have your tutoring in the future done by Father Bernadino who has had fifty-two years’ experience at the University, and your lessons”, said the King, “will commence tomorrow.”

Said the Queen, “How can I thank you enough, dear Ferdinand, for your untiring interest in my welfare. For I have been struggling along in my study of geography with a horribly dull clod whose name”, said the Queen, “I cannot remember.”

“Was it, by any chance, Colombo?” asked the King.

“Perhaps”, said the Queen. “But I am oh so glad to be rid of him.” And indeed so great was the happiness of Queen Isabel that her pillow that night was wet with tears.

But King Ferdinand was an unusually efficient king, and he spared no pains in his craving for normalcy. So it was that the next day he called to him the man who had chanced to be Royal Geographer before the coup d’oeuf of Colombo.